Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics