I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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Just say no
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I just tested negative for patience.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?