If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*jingles half the way*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.