Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine


My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.


Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.


[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what


*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead


David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?


Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.



every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz baby


Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.


“If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open.” said the boss at my new job.

“Why do you need a door then?” I asked him.