[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Fight
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
HERE’S MARKY
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it