KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.