@andlikelaura

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

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@MariaSmal_

Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands

@Mormonger

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

@Tommytoughstuff

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

@brookeisgolden

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

@junejuly12

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

@FeelingEuphoric

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

@jonnysun

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

@amydillon

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

@QwertyJones3

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA