Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

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Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands


Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL


“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”


Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.


[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*


PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school


After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.


in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”


When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.


Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA