Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
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Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME