KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago