@Reverend_Scott

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

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@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side

@cogentanalysis

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@cwilso

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

@Reverend_Scott

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

@AimeeHelene1

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

@iwearaonesie

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

@JPLFR80

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…