@sad_tree: *Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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@zgbetty: This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
@RocketRankoon: Comcast: "Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?" Me: "No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered."
@: DOCTOR: Ted, you're dying. PATIENT: My name isn't Ted. DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.