@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

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@funnybeachgirl

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

@CantWaitToNap

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

@adamgreattweet

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@SadieSkyNinja

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

@AimeeHelene1

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.