@sad_tree: *Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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@doublewenis: Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
@sonictyrant: me: make me irresistible to all women genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha me: *raises hind leg over lamp* genie: wait no stop
@Jayson_Two_time: An app.. An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you. -Twitters new slogan
@AngelaEhh: Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.