*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
i did the math
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.