*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
anyone else like Italian cereal
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.