Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.