Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
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Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”