ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them