“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”
Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.