Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.


*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.


Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.


If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.



[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.


“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”

Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”


What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?


75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy


*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*


Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.