SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– most kinds of bear
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Wanna fool around while the baby is asleep?” I ask to the woman next to me on the plane who I’ve never met before and whose baby is asleep.
dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Lady Macbeth: OUT