Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
True?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean