Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
You Might Also Like
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…