me: expecto patronum!
[30 minutes later a sloth crawls out of my wand and goes to sleep]
Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.
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I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“sir you get one phone call.”
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you want her – tell her.
If you need her – show her.
If you yearn for her – touch her.
Just make sure her husband’s not at home.