Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”