Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

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I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..


Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds


Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.


I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.


As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.


1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice


I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.