@goldengateblond

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

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@mishakey

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

@DrakeGatsby

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

@Dustinkcouch

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@sarabellab123

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

@Nazeefah

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

@krisv_723

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

@mostlysharks

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya