I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.