Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I feel seen.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.