I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning