@kelkulus

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

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@KingsnorthAP

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

@prufrockluvsong

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

@Mobute

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@Token_Geezer

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

@markedly

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

@candygrlMT

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

@rachelle_mandik

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

@SonOfEmeth

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill