Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
You Might Also Like
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy