KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.