Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
KIM JONG-UN: I’m banning sarcasm
ME: well that’s just great
M: I reeeally hate sarcasm
K: seize him…I think
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.
Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-
Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip
This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”