Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday
Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away
Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run
Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
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Don’t look at me like that, Barbie. We’re both stuck in this playhouse.
Just drink your tea.
The toddler will tell us what to do next.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”
And I’m just like…….
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive
ME: uh okay *gets in*
[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]
Just watching 50 Shades of Gray with my dad
I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune