Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
You Might Also Like
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
These work great until they don’t.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*