@LeviathanPride

Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?

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@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@I_Am_Iron_Dad

Don’t look at me like that, Barbie. We’re both stuck in this playhouse.

Just drink your tea.

The toddler will tell us what to do next.

@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

@turtledumplin

Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”

And I’m just like…….
*don’t comment
*don’t comment
*don’t comment
*don’t comment

@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

@Proxic0n

SCIENTIST: Behold
The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive

ME: uh okay *gets in*

[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@EternalDago

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune