Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!