Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. “No, I’m a professional,” probably wasn’t the answer he expected.
I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on
Me: I’m heading off now.