Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.