Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
found my next D&D character name
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction