Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.