Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.