Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I can’t wait!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Risking my life for fun.