@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

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@thenatewolf

Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot

@supermarkusa

I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair

@thestlouisan

-Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
[seated]
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…

@TheAndrewNadeau

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

@DanMentos

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

@robfee

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

@popcorn_dog

[Dark room]

**taco crunch**

Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium

**slow taco crunch**

@AnniemuMary

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed