Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
do horses think humans are hats
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Do one person every day that scares you.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.