Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.


In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.


The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.


So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.


I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib


Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”


I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!


Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’


[911 call]
Ok one sec.
*holds phone away from mouth*
Are you an alligator or a crocodile?
Cool. ITS A CRO-


Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me