@TheDizzyBeauty

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

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@MrFornicator

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

@AndrewChamings

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

@Pundamentalism

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

@david8hughes

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

@_NinJar

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

@KarenKilgariff

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

@MelissaJoy33

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

@jamdugg

Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’

@IRLPepperMD

[911 call]
IM GETTING EATEN-
*pause*
Ok one sec.
*holds phone away from mouth*
Are you an alligator or a crocodile?
*pause*
Cool. ITS A CRO-

@decentbirthday

Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me