Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Morning my dudes.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*puts cutlery down*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
LMAO
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My love language is hissing.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one