Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy