Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
describing stardew valley
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.