Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

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OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!

ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it

OLD LADY: oh thank you!

ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!


I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?


Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.


Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor


Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.


18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.


I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.


Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?