Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces