Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

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[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]


Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.


I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.


Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.


If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills


According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??


Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.


A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?


A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore