@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

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@TheHyyyype

OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!

ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it

OLD LADY: oh thank you!

ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!

@BigHeb7

I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?

@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

@Marlebean

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

@SchuylerPryor

Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

@Sam_Posts

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

@paulhorne

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

@Tups13

Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?