“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You Might Also Like
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
when someone compliments me
ugh not again
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island