Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
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“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.