Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My current situation
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety