@TheMichaelRock

Kinda rude of my neighbors to be burning leaves before I had a chance to blow mine into their yard.

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@PPathole

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

@jordan_stratton

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

@PrestoVision

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

@drayzze

Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now

@krisv_723

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

@daemonic3

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

@itsrealTED

“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.

@CHUUZUZ

It’s been 7 years since Prince told Kim Kardashian to get off the stage.

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”