Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
This week’s mood.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.