@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

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@sheseemslegit

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

@Chhapiness

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@sadengels

7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist

@VeryLonelyLuke

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

@Ilikerockme

Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand

@kumailn

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

@pakalupapito

dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows