@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

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@PatsATweetin

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

@EyalTweet

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

@Bacon_Ball

You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@Fred_Delicious

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@midnight_cowboi

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

@1Badasspoolboy

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

@drivethatfast

This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

@TheMichaelRock

Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?

@Chumpstring

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.