Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

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Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

disappointed viewer.


My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”


At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating


If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.


7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist


Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.


Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand


When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.


dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows