@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

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@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital ๐Ÿ™

@Aikiwomannc

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

@animaldrumss

Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.

@c12h22o11balls

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

@corysnearowski

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

@T_Bonezzz_

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

@PussycatPlace

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing Iโ€™ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg