Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Shoo shoo! 😂
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.