@badteacher4u
I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital ๐
@Dawn_M_
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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@badteacher4u
@Aikiwomannc
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
@animaldrumss
Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.
@david8hughes
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
@c12h22o11balls
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
@corysnearowski
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
@T_Bonezzz_
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
@PussycatPlace
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
@Big_Cat74
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
@hattiesoykan
naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing Iโve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg