I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg