Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

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I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital ๐Ÿ™


Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!


Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.


Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones


My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night


“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks


If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.


naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing Iโ€™ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg