@PatsATweetin [1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
@Dawn_M_ Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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@PatsATweetin 
@EyalTweet Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
@Bacon_Ball You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.
@TrainedHedonist Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
@Fred_Delicious **You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
@midnight_cowboi When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
@1Badasspoolboy How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
@drivethatfast This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations
@TheMichaelRock Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?
@Chumpstring Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.