@sheseemslegit
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
@Dawn_M_
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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@sheseemslegit
@Swain_Train47
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
@Chhapiness
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
@MouthOfSass
If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
@sadengels
7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist
@VeryLonelyLuke
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
@Ilikerockme
Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister
Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand
@Metalligretch
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
@kumailn
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
@pakalupapito
dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows