kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
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911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
me when the borders lift
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.