INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
brian had himself a morning…
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.