@mattyglesias

Kindergarteners make excellent mask cops — totally rigid, no fear of social awkwardness, and adults are uncomfortable getting confrontational with them.

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@SardonicTart

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

@withanewname

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

@Mardigroan

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

@TheToddWilliams

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

@lilooet

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

@sophielou

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

@SnarkyMommy78

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

@michaelianblack

Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.