Kindergarteners make excellent mask cops — totally rigid, no fear of social awkwardness, and adults are uncomfortable getting confrontational with them.

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I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.


They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.


My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win


You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.


NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope


When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”


This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun


I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.


Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.