* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Follow me for more life hacks.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.