@danjan13

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

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@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

@PaulyMosh

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@chuuew

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

@GoodZiIIa

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

@Annekinns

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

@Home_Halfway

{At concert}
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

@Eden_Eats

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

@trojansauce

[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha