Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.


Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again


Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security


wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?


*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.


{At concert}
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG


Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.


The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.


[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha