My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
OBAMA: I’m resigning
OBAMA: haha gotcha