“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.