king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Penguins walking in 5x speed
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform