@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

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@JillianKarger

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

@ArfMeasures

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

@Home_Halfway

[Misses the bus with my dear friend Alanis Morrissette]

ALANIS: Ugh, this is like rain on your wedding day

ME: That’s still not ironic

ALANIS: It’s like painting a small elephant

ME: Nope, that’s not a thing

ALANIS: It’s like 74 when 349

ME: Are you even trying anymore

@SondraDeeMe

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

@EugeneMirman

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

@thebeavs

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

@robfee

My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2