King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive


How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.


ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle


[Misses the bus with my dear friend Alanis Morrissette]

ALANIS: Ugh, this is like rain on your wedding day

ME: That’s still not ironic

ALANIS: It’s like painting a small elephant

ME: Nope, that’s not a thing

ALANIS: It’s like 74 when 349

ME: Are you even trying anymore


[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*


I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.


When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.


14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.


My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2