@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

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@CourtneyBale

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

@pranavsapra

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@Girliegurll

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

@TheMichaelRock

Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!

@KThonvold

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

@thejakeshenry

This dishwasher sucks. It’s already ruined three of my paper plates.

@yerpalmildsauce

I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–

*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*

@Godhatespants

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

@dethbycofee

its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?