King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

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Friend: How’s the wine?
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.


They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.


I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.


My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.


Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!


Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.


This dishwasher sucks. It’s already ruined three of my paper plates.


I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–

*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*


Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine


its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?