King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

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If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.


Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not


[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”



[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps


“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk


No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.


Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed


An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.