Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.
The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.