@HoldinCoffeeld

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

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@DirtyTalkBooks

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

@SteveSuckington

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

@dru0887

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

@handsock_butts

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.