King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory ūüôĀ


You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.


Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!

Me: wha?

Her: Because all the candy is gone

Me: Ooooh right. So many.


Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????


My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.


ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie


HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.


Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”


Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.


My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5