King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered