@MollyCocktail

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

You Might Also Like

@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@TravLeBlanc

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

@AGreaterMonster

In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.

@SardonicTart

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@CantWaitToNap

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”

@280Jokes

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

@novicefather

[glances toward living room stenographer]

“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”

stenographer: I promise not to get mad