Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.
“Omg I love it”
*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”
When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
[glances toward living room stenographer]
“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”
stenographer: I promise not to get mad