King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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Does it…does it take 3 days
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
everyone’s a critic