king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
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AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Strange
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day