King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
HOW DARE YOU